Planning for the future

A few years ago, during our engagement, Wes did his med school rotation in psychiatry. The doctor who was supervising him knew he was engaged and did a session of premarital counseling as a kind of dual teaching/learning experience. During that session, the doctor asked Wes what the two of us most enjoyed doing together. Wes told her, "Planning for the future." She deemed it the best answer she's ever gotten to that question, and I guess -- after 19 months of marriage -- it's worked for us so far. It seems like a wierd thing to spend your time doing, though -- always looking to the future rather than enjoying the here and now. But it's partly just who we are. I'm a planner -- anyone who knows me, or has even met me for that matter -- knows this. Wes is also a planner, just slower and more deliberate -- and he requires sticky notes in lieu of a Palm. We just like planning. I could plan trips I never intend to take and find it somewhat rewarding. But part of it also the state of our lives. Wes is in a residency program for four years, and we know not a whole lot will probably change during that time. We might, but probably won't, start a family in the next few years. We're likely to live in this same apartment for the duration. He will learn to do new things, develop his craft, and have a real variety of experiences considering his specialty, but it's not like there's a real possibility of us up and moving or him starting something truly new. This is kind of a "gap year" for me, as the Brits calls it. After teaching high school English for three years, I'm on hold to pursue my ultimate career goals -- teaching at the college level -- until I am accepted into and begin a graduate program (March 15 can't come soon enough!). There are other things I'm excited about doing -- maybe some running or triathalon races this summer, maybe some writing (which has been jump-started with all this blogging), but nothing too firm. I know I want to have kids, but that seems like a little ways off for us still. My mother can tell me over and over again that there's no perfect time to have kids, but that doesn't diminish the fact that we don't have the space or the money to have kids. And I realize, too, that I'm making a conscious choice to postpone children in favor of getting an advanced degree. I want to be with my kids when I have them, and that wouldn't be possible if I tried to do both, and I do want both.

Wes and I do get excited about what our life will be like. Wes constantly asks me, "What should we be when we grow up?" or "What do you want to be doing ten years from now?" or "Where should we live after residency?" We like the options given an uncertain future and no immediate need to make decisions. For example, last night Wes was trying to decide if we should be gardeners. His mother is a great gardener; mine is unbelievable, especially with landscaping. We know several families, HP included, that have a veritable farm in their yard and really enjoy cultivating it and sharing it with kids. And besides, I love flowers! (We're trying to decide if Lucy would dig them up, though. Based on experiences at my parents' house, the answer seems to be yes.) It's just funny to try and picture the two of us out in a yard digging in the dirt, as my mother puts it. I like imagining our children and Wes as a father. It makes me smile and laugh. I have a hard time envisioning our future home. Probably because we can't choose what kind of setting we want -- country mouse, city mouse?

The only thing that ever concerns me about this obsession with the future is that we might be missing out on the excitment of here and now. But I think we're okay. We do both work kind of insane hours right now -- part of that planning for the future that includes paying for my master's degree. But we do things, too. We've done more in Chicago than some people who have lived here for ten years. We like concerts (and saw BB King at the House of Blues on Thursday!) -- especially the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. We've seen the ballet and a musical. We like museums. We really like books. We love to travel and really enjoyed our trip to Europe that first year we were dating and more recently to Africa. We like taking walks around Chicago -- when it's above freezing, ideally. We like being silly and seeing friends. We love Second City. We do enjoy life, but it seems like something we have to stop to do in the midst of all the planning!

So how do you balance? I guess that's the eternal question for a lot of individuals and couples. How do you make sure, in the midst of planning, that you live? Everybody has a different answer. For a lot of people, it's watching their kids grow and just treasuring the moments with them, knowing the future will come faster than they might desire. For us, it's laying in bed on the off morning when we can sleep in (since we don't have kids yet!) and playing with Lucy and savoring good meals and company. And enjoying this moment in which we have so many options, so many choices, and seemingly no limits to our happiness.