Windows

"When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." Or so I've been told. This past week has been a little trying, what with a door closing metaphorically in my face. I applied to start a master's program this fall in the hopes of continuing on for my PhD down the road. The plan was to be able to teach at the collegiate level and still do the raising-my-own-kids while getting to work and engage in the kind of writing and reading and teaching that I enjoy. All my professors and friends and family seemed 100% confident that I would be accepted as the program in question isn't considered horribly competitive. A week after the "students will be notified of a decision by March 15th at the latest" deadline passed, I got the little letter in the mailbox. To be honest, I wasn't nearly as confident about my chances as others, so it wasn't a crushing blow. It was, however, a closed door as I mention. It makes me question my chances to be accepted anywhere else, especially down the line as I get further and further away from undergrad. I realize I'm only 26/27, but these types of academic program are typically filled with students at most 2-3 years out of school. It's just the nature of academia. Also, if this supposedly sub-par program didn't accept me, who's to say that a more competitive program will. Furthermore, none of the Chicago schools have my ideal program -- rhetoric and composition. So I could wait until Wes finishes residency and apply these programs nationally on the expectation that we would move where I was accepted, and Wes would get a job there. The compounding factor -- childbearing. Again, I know I'm only 26/27. But that means I'd be 30 when I started a program and 35 when I finished a PhD, and that's if I could get accepted somewhere. So do we have kids now and use a little help later if I go back to school and still have little ones around, or do we wait and have kids after residency, except then I might be trying to start a program as a new mom (not that it can't be done, of course). And in the midst of this, I'm not sure Wes really feels ready to be a parent. Of course, he's not the one who will bear them or whose academic or career aspirations will be redirected by starting a family, so he might just need to become ready.

I guess the real question I'm facing is this: I hadn't really considered being a professor until about a year ago. Then, as I looked into the future, it made sense. Now, it might not happen. Is it still what I want? Is it something I need as part of who I am, or is it just what fit my plans? To be honest, I think part of me wanted the PhD behind my name to feel respected as an educator and as the wife of a physician. I don't want Wes to bore of me or to look down on me for not working at his level. Or is this really more about my perceptions of myself? And if not this, then what? I love to write and read and discuss and apply to life issues and especially to teach, so are there windows I'm not considering. I want to be a mom -- a great big Momma N.-HP-Tall SIL-TWA Pilot amazing mom -- and to have several children. But I know enough about myself to know I need a diversion that challenges me and keeps me thinking and planning and excited in a different way. How do I make it all fit together?

Come on people reading -- point me to the windows I'm not seeing. And shove me out one if I need it.