Performance Reports for Your Husband

Wes and I were watching the national news the other night to hear more about Obama's potential run for president when we heard a teaser about performance reports for spouses. We didn't watch the actual report, but it got me to thinking. How would I rate Wes as a husband, and more importantly, how would he rate me?

Something I often face in teaching is trying to praise a student for something positive they've done without giving them the impression they don't have room to improve. It's like students who finally write an essay I've assigned, but it's obvious they haven't put much effort into it and don't understand the material. You can only applaud their endeavor so much before you have to just say, "Look, this essay is crap." (Obviously I'd never say those exact words to students, no matter how much I want to or it's true.) The connection: Wes brought home flowers from the store the other day. He almost never brings me flowers, though I really enjoy having them in the house, so it was really special that he did. The problem is, Wes has a really hard time buying flowers. The first time he got me flowers, back in college, they were almost-dead irises. I loved that he bought something so unique -- it was Valentine's Day, so something other than roses obviously took some thought -- but they were barely alive when I got them. This time he brough home some different colored mums. They're a nice basic flower, but they were dyed various shades that are very unnatural. Wes is color-blind, so I wasn't sure if he could tell that they had been dyed these nearly neon colors. As soon as I asked, I felt bad that I had. He seemed deflated when I asked the question, and I was upset that I'd made him feel bad for doing something so thoughtful. At the same time, I hate to seem him spend money on flowers that are dying and discolored.

I don't intend to use this post to suggest that Wes is a bad husband or complain that he did something wrong. It's just something I had on my mind. If there's one thing my mother taught me about marriage, it's don't diss your husband to friends. It doesn't help to strengthen your marriage, even if it does get some laughs in a group. I can safely say that I don't crack on Wes in front of my friends, and he doesn't talk about me to anyone. Sometimes I wonder if his friends even know we're married. I do, however, talk to friends about problems. My best friend and I often talk about how things are going in our marriages. She got married a year after Wes and I did, so we're both still firmly in the newlywed category though no longer newbies. Sometimes I chat with my sister, who got married six months before me. The talks are never airing-out sessions, though. And I don't ever share something with these women that I haven't already talked about with Wes. It's more like things we have on our mind that we haven't been able to to successfully communicate to our husbands. Or things we disagree with our husband about that we want to bounce off someone else. For me, these conversations often help me see things better from Wes's point of view. People who aren't entrenched in a situation can often help you gain perspective on it better than the person on the other side of the trench. My girlfriend and my sister both understand my baby-longing better than Wes, though both know from our conversations how demanding his work schedule is and the general anxieties that surround the idea of impending parenthood.

I'm not really sure what all I want this post to say. It's not so much about Wes and me as much as it is about marriage and deciding -- Who is it okay to talk about your marriage to? And how do you encourage people to change in a way you want (or in a way you deem an improvement) without undermining the good things they've done in the process?