Choices

Today, while home sick from school (the curse of the head cold that has robbed me of my voice), I sat down and made a list of all the things I could imagine doing with my life. I feel like I'm killing time right now, and it's not a fulfilling way to go through life. I always heed my mother's reminders that nothing will ever be perfect -- every job and every choice will have drawbacks and downsides. But sometimes I think I've stuck with teaching because I'm reasonably good at it and can easily get a job doing it. It's not necessarily what I really want to be doing with my life. But, as Wes always asks, if not this, then what? Even if he won't admit it, I think he feels like I either need to or will want to keep working after we have kids. At the same time, though, he and I both grew up with moms at home, and we know the importance of having at least one parent primarily home with kids. And all of this is somewhat moot, of course, since I still have no idea when, exactly, Wes expects that we will have kids.

More than any angst around that, though, is this sense that I will soon be stuck. No matter how many stories you tell me about people who decided at 50 to start a new career, you're not going to convince me that it doesn't get exponentially harder as you get older to change. How many grad programs are going to look at a woman who is 30, has spent her life in one field, and think -- ah, yes, this is who we should admit. I keep wondering -- why didn't I choose sooner? Or did I choose Wes, and that was my choice? Or was I afraid of the hard choices, and so I chose a safe one? People often say they have no regrets in life because their choices made them who they are today. I don't know if I buy that. I'm only 28, and I have regrets. Or I think I do. I don't know what to regret because I don't know what the trade-off would have been had I not taken the road I did.

Beyond all of this, there has been one larger question on my mind. Does it even matter? If you really look at the world and how many people there are and all the good and bad things out there, does one person really matter? Will the choices I make really affect almost anyone beyond me? With all due respect for my husband and family, my circle is pretty small. It's overwhelming to recognize one's insignificance in the grand scheme of life. And no tomes of heartwarming teacher stories or endless reruns of It's a Wonderful Life can really erase the recognition of this fact. And so if it doesn't matter, what do I prioritize? Do I do the things that make me happy, regardless of the "costs" column? Do I do the things that I think will make my husband happy so as to make our home more harmonious? Do I try to do as little harm as possible? Do I buy into the Peace Corps hype and try to make a difference, even in recognizing how small it may be?

And more importantly, am I the only one who thinks these thoughts?