Things to know if you're ever a character in a Dan Brown novel

I just finished reading Deception Point and Digital Fortress by Dan Brown (yes, that's two 400+ page novels in three days = riding the El, babies napping, and staying up too late at night reading in bed). I've read Brown's other two novels -- the ungodly-bestselling Da Vinci Code and its prequel Angels and Demons. As a reader, and as a student of literature, I tend to notice themes, trends, style, etc. when I read. Now having finished all of this author's novels, I hereby publish my list of things to know if you're ever a character in a Dan Brown novel.

1. If you have a passionate love whose life is endangered or whom you think may have perished, fear not. This person, so long as you are the main character, will survive. You will be reunited at the close of the novel and, after making humorous small talk and engaging in some foreplay, make love. If you do not currently have a passionate love, and especially if you have foresworn finding love again, be prepared: Dan Brown is the matchmaker, and you'll be in love by the end of the book.

2. Whomever you trust the most is the most likely to decieve you. It might be your boss (in fact, it's usually your boss) or an expert with whom you are conferring. Do not, under any circumstances, trust these people.

3. Do not try to deceive the American public, even if you work for the NRO or NSA or any other agency with an acronym. It will only come back to hurt you.

4. You're smart. There's some kind fo IQ cutoff to be a character in a Dan Brown novel. Go you.

5. If you're asked to do something at the last minute, especially if it requires you to board an airplane and fly to a foreign country, think twice. You're putting your life in danger.

6. Things will get worse -- much worse -- before they get better. But no worries: it all works out in the end.

I'll come back and edit this post if I think of anything else. Others should feel free to contribute also.